RELATIONSHIPS

Dating coach Kerry Brett asks women to stop over-investing in low-effort matches—and start paying attention to what a man’s actions are actually telling them.

Dating apps are built to make it feel like more is always better: more likes, more matches, more messages, and more people waiting in the wings. But a crowded inbox isn't the same as a full dating life. For women who find themselves carrying conversations, decoding mixed signals, or waiting for a very attractive match to make an actual plan, the solution isn't to become more available. It is to become more selective.

That is the difference between chasing and choosing.

As a dating coach, I teach women how to beat men at their own game by understanding the rule book many men already use. Be direct about what you want. Pay attention to effort. Make a decision. Don't keep investing when interest isn't being reciprocated. I call it the Maverick Move.

The Maverick Move is not about manipulation, withholding affection, or pretending not to care. It is a practical way to protect your time and emotional energy before someone has earned access to it. You can be warm, open, feminine, and hopeful—and still be impossible to string along.

The Real Problem Is Not a Lack of Matches

Many women enter dating apps with a quiet pressure to be chosen. Every match can feel like a possibility they might lose. Every notification can feel like progress. Every attractive profile can seem like someone worth trying a little harder to impress.

That pressure creates a familiar loop. He says “hey,” so you try to be engaging. He gives you a one-line answer, so you ask another question. He disappears for three days, and you wonder whether you said the wrong thing.

Often, you did not say the wrong thing. You may simply be dealing with a man who is giving you very little.

The mistake is not having hope. The misstep is assigning too much value to potential before there is evidence. A match is not a relationship prospect yet. A like is not effort. Chemistry is not compatibility. A good-looking profile is not a character reference.

Does this person actually meet my standards—or am I trying to meet his?

That question brings the focus back where it belongs.

What “Swipe Like a Guy” Really Means

“Swipe like a guy,” popularized by Matchmaker Gina Hendrix, or, as I like to say don’t hate the player, hate the game is not a call to become cold or emotionally detached. It is shorthand for a more pragmatic, low-drama approach to early dating. Many men are comfortable deciding whether they are interested, making a move, and moving on if the response is not enthusiastic. Women can borrow that decisiveness without sacrificing their authenticity.

The shift is simple. Instead of leading with, “Will he like me?” lead with, “Do I like the way he is showing up?” Instead of treating every match as a trophy, treat the first interaction as information. Instead of trying to turn low effort into a connection, look for someone who arrives with enough interest to make a connection possible.

Nobody writes a perfect first message every time, and that is not the standard. The point is to notice a pattern. Is he curious about you? Does he make the conversation easy to continue? Does he follow through? Does he communicate in a way that makes you feel calm instead of confused?

If the answer is no, you do not need a closing argument. You need a clean exit.

The Maverick Move

The Maverick Move is the moment you stop rewarding minimum effort simply because the man giving it is attractive.

This is where women can lose their footing. A handsome man matches with you, and suddenly the standards that felt obvious yesterday start to feel negotiable. You excuse the generic message. You laugh off the late-night text. You carry the conversation because you do not want to miss your chance. You tell yourself he is probably busy, shy, overwhelmed, or just bad at messaging. And no, ladies, he didn’t lose his phone.

Maybe he is great. But you are not auditioning to become the unpaid customer-service department for his dating life.

Let his behavior speak at full volume. If he is interested, he’ll let you know. If he wants to see you, he can make a plan. If he is too busy to communicate, that may be true—but it still means he is not available for the kind of connection you are seeking right now. Busy is for the birds!

A man does not need to be perfect to deserve a response, but he does need to participate. A one-word opener may earn one warm reply if you are interested. It should not require you to write the rest of the conversation for him. A compliment about your appearance can be flattering, but it should not be the end of the exchange. A late-night message without a plan isn't the same as an invitation. A man who disappears and reappears without explanation is telling you something important about his consistency. You're not looking to date a magician. If he looked at your stories on Instagram, that doesn’t count either.

This is not about playing hard to get. It is about being easy to find when someone is showing up well—and difficult to access when someone is showing up poorly. Can’t we all agree that life is difficult enough and we don’t need to add to the dating degree of difficulty?

Attraction Is Only the Invitation

Choosing is an active process. It means looking at what is in front of you rather than what you hope could happen. Hope floats. You do not choose a man because he is the hottest person in your queue. You choose him because his words and actions make you feel considered, respected, and clear about where you stand.

Attraction can make us rush the evaluation process. A beautiful profile photograph can create a story in your mind before you have exchanged three messages. But early dating is not the time to fill in the blanks with fantasy. It's time to collect data. Be careful not to bake pies in the sky.

Pay attention to the basics. Does he ask follow-up questions? Does he share enough about himself to make the conversation reciprocal? Does he respect boundaries? Does he make a date and confirm it? Does he communicate in a way that creates clarity rather than confusion?

The right connection should feel like two people moving toward one another—not one person trying to drag the interaction forward.

A Simple Way to Screen Before You Invest

When a new match appears, there are four things worth noticing: effort, alignment, substance and execution.

Effort means he engages with something real in your profile. He references an interest, a photo or a detail and gives you a genuine opening. Alignment means his stated relationship goals and lifestyle appear compatible with yours. Substance means the conversation has a natural give-and-take; you are not asking every question or inventing every topic. Execution means he follows through. He makes a clear plan, communicates reasonably, and does not rely on vagueness to keep you on the hook.

This is not a test a man has to pass on the first day. It is a way to stop mistaking availability for suitability. Plenty of people may be available to message you. Far fewer will be suitable for the relationship you want. That is not a problem. That's the filter's purpose.

Let Your Profile Do Some of the Work

Your dating profile should not try to appeal to everyone. It should make it easier for the right person to recognize you—and easier for the wrong person to pass by.

Think of it as an honest introduction to your real life, not a casting call for universal approval. Choose recent, high-quality photos that show your face clearly and reflect the way you actually live. Include at least one image that gives people a glimpse of your personality or interests. Avoid heavily filtered, outdated or confusing group photos. You are building trust before the first message is sent.

Your bio should give a good match somewhere to go. A few specific details are better than generic adjectives. Instead of saying that you love travel and fun, offer something that reveals a point of view: “Always planning my next city break, convinced that a great dinner can solve almost anything, and looking for someone who can recommend a better playlist than mine.”

Specificity invites better questions. Better questions lead to better conversations. And better conversations make it easier to identify people worth meeting.

Protecting Your Energy Is Not Being Difficult

The best dating strategy is not indifference. It is discernment.

You are allowed to leave a conversation that feels one-sided. You are allowed to stop responding to a man who resurfaces only when he is bored. You are allowed to decline a last-minute invitation that does not respect your time. And you are allowed to care deeply about finding love without acting as though every match is your last chance.

The Maverick Move reminds you that your attention has value. Every time you choose not to chase someone who is offering the bare minimum, you make space for a man who knows how to bring more.

So the next time a very attractive match gives you a dry opener, a confusing signal or a great deal of charm with no effort behind it, pause. Do not try to prove your worth. Do not rush to make it easier for him. Ask yourself whether he has shown you enough to earn more of your energy.

Then choose accordingly.

For more insight into modern dating, confidence, and building a better strategy for love, listen to the full episode of Shot at Love with Kerry Brett featuring guest Gina Hendrix.